To the love of my life.
Friday, 22 May 1998
⠀⠀I know you must know how I’m feeling. And please don’t tell me, “I told you so.” I regret how things turn out to be, but most of all, I regret not listening to you earlier. Maybe. . . I could have saved you. Maybe you would be alive today, and then you can watch me redeem myself (however that may be). I know no spell can ever bring you back to life, my mother would banish me to the pits of hell if she knew I’d even attempt necromancy, and I know no spell can ease the pain I have right now. To have lost my dignity, my family’s honour, to have lost you.
⠀⠀These couple of weeks I’ve been thinking back to our earliest moments together. I remember us just casually chatting at midnight up in the Astronomy tower, tinkering with equipments we shouldn’t have, trying to read out the constellations to no avail, to sharing our first kiss. If I close my eyes this second, I could still sense the way your lips felt against mine, and the faint taste of kiwi you had eaten. I could even remember the scent of your perfume that day. And all the other days. And the day you yelled at me for the first time because I’d gotten the Mark–because I’ve pledged allegiance to the ‘wrong side’, as you’ve said.
⠀⠀I know what I did was wrong. Even when I was getting this stupid Dark Mark stamped on me, like the idiot that I was, I knew it was wrong. Of course I did. I questioned every single thing I did for the loony old geezer’s cause. Maybe it should’ve been me who died, maybe I should’ve thought “I’d rather die than be a stupid Death Eater”, but I didn’t. To this day, I still don’t know why. It wasn’t a vivid memory as I’m trying to erase those things from my head, what with the embarrassment and dreadful remorse it brings, but I remember thinking of you. Perhaps I didn’t want to die yet, because I’d be leaving you. We were a bit distanced from each other ‘cus of the war, weren’t we? Opposite sides and all. . . Fuck, why didn’t I risk everything to be with you?
⠀⠀I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in the dire times when you needed me. I’m sorry for the immeasurable pain I’ve caused you. I’m sorry for dragging you into this. I’m sorry I was too selfish thinking of saving myself, and it costed you your life. I wish we’d never met. We’d be saving ourselves from. . . whatever this is. Whatever the fuck I’m going through, and whoever the fuck decided that your precious life was a cheap price for a losing war. Merlin knows I would’ve traded my life for yours quicker than a heartbeat.
⠀⠀I never knew if you knew how much I loved you, so I hope somewhere deep in your heart, you felt it. While you were seeking shelter with the others, if you have ever thought of me, I hope you knew.
⠀⠀Well, as they say, regrets only come at the end. I’ll be tortured and torn apart inside a thousand times knowing I’ll never materialize the future I wished to have with you; the one we’ve always talked about. My memory is the only thing I have left of you, and I’ll relive it, over, and over, and over, and over again to keep you alive, no matter how painful it is to think I’d never be able to hold you again. You were so beautiful, and so full of life.
⠀⠀Last thing: I hope I didn’t hurt you too much when you saw me on the opposite side. I probably looked really dumb. Malfoy did. So I’d imagine I looked dumb too. But I bet I looked really hot dressed in all black, didn’t I?
To the love of my life,
with warm regards,
P.S. I moved to London. Wanted to see if things were as fun as you made it out to be. I guess it is kind of cool.